My Driving Experience

I had been driving for almost half a year now and I can tell you that the biggest road bullies are actually not as big as you thought. SO you might think. Road bullies, must be all those lorry and bus drivers. YOU ARE DAMN WRONG! They are the sweetest, most compassionate driver in the entire world. I am a P driver. I know. And it is definitely not those drivers flashing their merc or Ferrari because frankly I am pretty sure these drivers are secretly traumatized by us P drivers so they will stay far away and try not to pressure us, fearing we might scratch their babies. And here comes the Modifier. They are surprisingly not that bad. I am sure they will tail gate you are keep flashing you even when you are driving 100km/h. Usually when they start doing those shits I will just automatically drive from 100km/h to 40km/h. And get fascinated to see their irritated face which its pretty fun cause they will never scratch anyone's car with their modified Wira which they stick a Merc logo there thinking that we might overlook the fact that its a Wira. Well-played boys.

Frankly I am not a good driver. I mean I am good, Pffft what talking you?! Its just that I rage a lot. Though now is a lot lesser having a shotgun who shush me before I start using those foul language and start replacing them with words that goes like this, "Fudgelakdjwkjdhfkbqwejhasdfnbqweruhsadfjh, Don't know how to drive, wanna die don't scratch my car. Die far far away." And usually these words are directed to motorcyclist, the BIGGEST road bullies ever.

You might think, "Vyv, you joking ah!" and usually these remarks come from people who don't drive. Trust me. They are the worst. Sometimes you just feel like running them with you car but only to realize you ain't going to scratch your car for such bitches. I am not trying to stereotype. But so far in my entire half a year of driving experience, I just secretly wish Malaysia would ban motorcycles but it will cause more jams so I guess its not a good idea. Motorcyclist are seperated into different groups.

1) Imagine this. You are stuck in a jam. The other lane is going really fast but your lane is barely moving. You are late for your class again and you secretly think this time you ain't getting away with being an hour late. So you look to your right, the car is letting you cut the moment you put your signal, then you checked at least 3 times whether are there motorcylces coming through. So you gradually cut, then this bloody motor who is speeding at lesast 80km/h in a bloody jam which is so far away will start horning and showed no sign of stopping. Asses right? Then BAM! This bitch scratch your car. You saw two oversize men almost killing the motor. And guessed what, they stopped in the middle of the road, punch and kick your car, shout more abusive words towards you. Mind you, these motors are driving 80km/h in the fast lane. Its clearly against the law. And they would do this to a helpless P driver and mind you a small petite girl like me. Thank GOD i locked my car cause they were showing signs of trying to shove me out and god knows what happen next. Its really scary, judging by the fact no one was there and I was all alone. So there you have, The Abusive Cyclist.

2) The Suicide Cyclist. I was driving Eli as usual back from college. The light was clearly green for a long time, so i was like WOW! WHAT A LUCKY DAY! No jam and all the traffic light was green. I was busy jamming to Like a G6 in the car then BAM! A motorcyclist making a U turn when my car was right in front of the junction. It seems like, OMG! LOOK A CAR! I THINK I REMEMBER MY DAD SAYING SEE A CAR THAN FUDGING MAKE A U TURN EVENTHOUGH THE LIGHT IS RED! Thank GOD! I managed to stop in time. If I am driving my dad's car which has inefficient braking system, this guy would have been dead. I literally felt my car jerked right on the spot. Thank God I was not speeding as usual. Thank God i got distracted by my favorite song. Thank God I didn't scratch my car. I know you might think I am mean by not caring about that motorcyclist's life, but judging by the way he is driving, I am pretty sure he does not even think his life is worth a penny, so why bother.

3) The Middle of The Lane Cyclist. So you are driving at the fast lane. Saw this old man riding his motorcycle in the middle of the fast lane, not showing signs of moving aside by the sight of my GLARING red car. If I am driving dull colour car I understand. Actually I don't! Cars are so huge, please don't tell me that you didn't see any car coming behind you. Because most of these cyclists are old man, I would refuse to put any pressure on him, and will just trail behind him. Refuse to horn or flash. Because old people are just too sweet. Why didn't I cut, well I am not in a hurry and frankly i like the sight of Old People. And cutting him will only mean giving him pressure, No i am not doing that unless I am in a hurry. Its just so damn cute.

You might think I am exaggerating and you might say most cyclist aren't that bad. The only reason why you might be saying this is either you are clearly not driving or you are a motorcyclist. Well Maybe NOT all motorcyclist are asses but to those who are, if you are driving like you are killing yourself, just jump down the building and kill yourself cause, the way you drive, seriously your life don't even worth a tiny scratch on  our car. If you don't love your life, how do you expect the others to love yours? You might say I don't understand their situation and the feeling as a motorcyclist and this post might offend many of my readers, but maybe I will never understand. Cause ALL I can see is you driving like you are handing your life to the Grim Ripper. The only reason why you are not dead yet is because you are just one lucky douche.

Guilty Pleasure in The Form of Pain

This is the first time I had researched so much before writing this post. Going through website to websites. Literally spent the entire weekend just reading on this. SO why? Why did I write this? Because I do know a lot of people doing this personally. And most of them are really unexpected. So I just want to know more about it. I want to know what goes in that brain of all these victims. But most importantly WHY and HOW?

Its is really shocking that most of those people who hurt themselves to feel better are the one that always tries to be there for everyone in the world. The one that always seem so cheerful. The one that seem like nothing in the entire BLOODY world bothers them. The strong one. Yes, the one with the smile.

But most importantly, why do they do that? I had been asking myself that too millions of time. Are they crazy? But after all those readings and real life stories I hear and seen, I understand why. Those people aren't crazy. They just need to release that sort of depression or pain deep inside them. They refuse to tell anyone or show anyone how they feel is because they thought everyone expect them to be happy so no matter what, they have to put on the smile and soldier on. Its because this person are there for everyone it seems like, no one is there for them. Not because those are bad friends, its clearly because all of them think, this person can solve my problems by just one go, she will do fine alone. And these people will never want to show how they feel simply because they are afraid and they think nobody wants to know about their petty problems. SO they push it all away and take it all in. They thought if they laugh and make other people happy, the pain will go away. But no, all these sadness soon accumulate. SO MUCH that they just break down into huge depression. Then they thought about ways to get rid of these depression. Its like filling them out, they need something to let the pain flow out of their body, this is the part where even your nails come in handy. Then they just hurt themselves. The physical pain seem so relieving, but its just temporary. Then it is replaced with guilt, and the depression actually never go away. It is just eating them up slowly and slowly until at one point suddenly life just seem so gloomy. So sad. So meaningless. They just end it.

Its pretty scary what is in a human mind. What it is even capable of. Its like a time bomb.

But I know someone out there going through what i said is reading this or someone who even think about it is reading this. I know you would say I never understand because I am not in your position or anything. But I know, you just one it to go away. You can't burden everyone with your problems. You think nobody give a slight bullshit about what you are going through. Or you expect everyone to notice the depression under those smiles. There are people out there who cares about you, who loves you. Try opening up just to one person you can really trust. Start slowly. Then you will realize that everything is gone, depression slowly seep away and you will be fine. Trust me. I know people like that and it seems confessions are the only thing that set them free. And they are better person now. It takes time, but you have to let someone in in order to set yourself free. And frankly its ok to be sad. At least try not to be happy with that one person you trust. Hurting yourself only free yourself temporary, but once you look at those scars, you will hate yourself and fall deeper and deeper into the hole of depression.

Just always remember, you are never alone. There are people around you who cares enough and love you. If  you want to know more about this and need an alternative way to help yourself you can try this webpage http://www.helpguide.org/mental/self_injury.htm

Remember you are never alone. It may take time for you to stop that addiciton but its the only way you can be free.

Just The 5 Year Old Me

I remembered all those things I had wished to become when I was 5.

1. Dance to the Swan Lake. Nor longer as the baby swan but the swan swan.
2. Get all A's for my UPSR, PMR and SPM.
3. Make my parents proud of me.
4. Finish my piano to satisfy my parents.
5. Still continue to hate peas.
6. Never get married / fall in love.
7. Be good at everything
8. Just be perfect.


Out of 8, I barely succeeded half of the list. I only succeeded two of them. The second and the fourth. You know when you are young you think you are special? Well, its not anymore. Pretty sucky huh?

I remembered when I was a kid, ballet was my everything. The only think I am actually good at. Remembered dancing to the Waltz in front of this amazingly huge stage with the others. Making sure i point my toes right. My postures. My smile. Chest and heads up. Fingers placed in the perfect position. Leap into the air. And then I am suppose to give up everything. Barely even have the chance to dance to the Dead Swan.

I remembered when I was unstoppable. I will do anything to get what I want. But seriously come to think of it, what do I seriously want? What do you want? What do we want? What do the whole world want from us?

So i took a step back from striving to be perfect because the only reason I could think of for trying so hard is to rub it on other people's face and because I was so insecure. And ask myself, what is life? What do I want with this life? I can't seem to answer those questions properly. But at least I improve by having this rough idea still covered with layers of haze.

I want to do good. Want to love myself more. Want to be loved. Just to feel special.

I came to an understanding that money, can't really give you everything. I still do need money. But I don't want to drive a Bentley, in fact I find Myvi pretty comfy. I don't want a guy that have trust funds that can feed the world. I just need a guy that loves me. I don't need to impress everyone, I just need to impress myself and look at Snowy to back me up. True, I had gone through so much shits that my best friend have no clues about. But all these hardships and scar had made me from the last person I had ever want to be to a better person.

Frankly, I am sometimes pretty depressed about life. But I will look back and think about that cheerful Vy Vyan in the ballet shoes and hair held back in the gel and I will take a deep breathe and tell myself, I got my back.

Will the 5 year old Vy Vyan be proud of me? Not really but I know she will be damn proud about what I am trying to achieve when most people in the world are still clueless about life, I have the faintest idea about what I want.

My Hero Without A Cape

You know how in movies you see a super huge, close to perfect muscular guy in a cape come save a normal citizen. That was a super hero to me. But as I grow up into a teenager, going through long phase of depression, I went through a phase feeling deceived about the fact that there are no heroes in the world. All a fiction. But I am glad I found out there is a hero all along beside me. In disguise of an over protective dad with a big tummy and .... let's just say, not the hero you see in the movie.

You see, like most of you, my dad and I used to rarely get along when I hit the teenage phase. We quarrel all the time, and every family dinner became an epic failure with screaming and tears. Don't get me wrong, he never lay a finger on me but things back then was just bad. Because I was an immature kid. My dad used to gun down every single guy who walked next to me. Even random strangers who just happen to walk beside me that I don't even know. Than he will check my phone and if he see a random text message pop out with a guy's name he will ground me and I would hate him for that. When i get late night calls and he will almost constantly eavesdrop. And he would constantly lecture me for sitting in front of the television and even check my history when i go on the net. But mind you, he never raised his voice, maybe once in a while. But trust me, the guys are terrified of him because my dad is THAT scary. I used to hate him for that. Rarely talk to him. Hate it when he tells me I am wrong cause I am not used to him telling me I am wrong. He will usually be the guy behind me who encourage me to skip tuitions and skip studying session with my mum to go out with him when I was a kid. He used to hate it when I was forced to study cause he thinks I need better childhood then that. 

But soon I grow up to understand that, those crazy shits my dad do? He is just trying to protect me. Maybe in a wrong way, but to him I am his baby girl. He would hug me and say, no matter how old are you, you will always be my baby girl. He hate to see me grow up, and to him I seem to be growing up too fast. So now, I took a step back and understand his situation, and now he is less crazy and surprisingly trusting me with my own decisions. He is just a father afraid that I will screw up. 

You know when shit happens, you get to see clearly about things happening around you. Tonnes of shit happens, and let's just say, my mum will be panicking, and my dad will be calm and help me out. Was once down with a high fever during the H1N1 period. Apparently, I caught it and HUKM did not take me in cause I am not dying enough, he drove me all the way to another hospital, got me in. I was impressed. Or the time I caught a high fever a day before SPM, he drove me all the way to Pudu cause all the clinics are close. He just need assurance that I will stay with him and still hug him and kiss him. Or hold his hand in public. That I am still his baby girl.

And you know what, I will find a guy with the same quality as he is (except the 'I Told You So' part and smoking). But I love him. And with that he is my personal hero without a cape. :)

Fashion BABY!

I will be the last person you should ask about fashion. My sense of style will be T-shirt and jeans. And I will wear the same shirt that i find comfortable over and over again for the entire week if its not for the hygenic purposes. How about college? I will be the girl in tee and jeans. Well you can see me wearing that shirt multiple times in a month! Well its comfortable, it smells nice. Why not?

I mean I might seem like this girl who have the smallest closet ever but seriously I do. The only time i shop for clothes is when I have to. Yap. Chinese New Year! I love shopping so please don't get me wrong but I would rather spend my time sleeping at home or spend my money on food and gym stuff. I do like seeing girls wearing pretty clothes and flaming red hair. But on me? Haha. I will NEVER spend that much effort and time to find the pretty clothes that are cheap and nice. And hair, I never comb my hair if that answers your question. Max once a day. I actually have the guts to come out of the shower, dry my hair with my towel, put on my shirt and shorts and go out for a family dinner. My parents will scold me and i will simply say, "Mum, this is my style. SWAG!" but truthfully I am too lazy and i would rather spend my time day dreaming. (except the fact i cut my hair in class because of split ends)

But seriously, when i come to think of it, for a girl, I am not much of a girl but deep down I am one, I am just really lazy. Get it? And I seriously don't care. I love dressing up don't get me wrong. Is just that I will ask myself, why bother dressing up every single time especially to college. I prefer wearing something comfy. I mean its a place to study and not a fashion show right? But I do like seeing my friends with pretty dresses and skirts. HOWEVER, I just don't think its appropriate for me. I mean I run around. Jump around. And even when i sit i have to fold my legs. So jeans is the most comfortable and appropriate thing ever created that makes Vy Vyan a happy person. Of cause shorts are amazing, I used to wear them to college until my parents vent about how ugly it is and also how disrespectful I am. I used to not understand and think they are just ridiculous but stick with my jeans but when i was driving to college, I saw this particular girl wearing shorts to college and I was thought to myself, "WOW! She came here to study in that? So much respect for the lecturers eh." than i realize that i used to do that and secretly understand why my parents don't really agree with me and shorts to college. But I do have friends wearing shorts to college and they look amazing. I guess its not for everyone? Guess its some fashion thing i can never understand. But I do know that I will never wear shorts to college anymore UNLESS if I run out of jeans.

When do i dress up? When I have to. Like going for a formal dinner. Or my friend's birthday party. I would put in effort on what i wear and open my eyes when i go through my closet to get a clothing that is non T-shirt which is pretty hard. But at least i try and my girlfriends have to seriously love me for my efforts.

So i have my believe. Fashion for me is comfy stuff. Some people may love branded stuff. Secretly who doesn't? But I would never respect people who carries falsies. Not because I am superficial but why pretend you have something that you couldn't afford. Whats wrong with a cheap stuff with better qualities but no brand. Get it? If you can't afford it simply just don't get it. Why act like you have one just for show show? I always believe and live by this phrase, if you have it, show it. So you can't afford it why try to show everyone you can afford it when you can't? Like me. My family ain't very rich. I don't have a Louis Vuitton bag. But i didn't try to a get a falsy. I stick with the same bag pack i used since I was 16. My handbag is a just a middle class brand. I am not afraid to tell people that I can't afford it. I mean if i have friends who look down on me because i don't carry a Gucci to college then they are simply not my friend.

I don't want to live my life pretending to be what I am not. I will never want to act like I care about fashion when i clearly don't. I will never want to act like I can afford a Hermes when I don't. Yes, my family ain't that rich. Or at least I don't claim I am rich. My dad make me grow up without telling me his income. I didn't even know what he works as til I am 16 because he refused to tell me thinking I might grow up into something that he will not be proud of. He changed me from a private school to a government thinking I will gain a lot more morally. And I am sure glad he did what he had done. Because now I don't act like an individual thinking money grows on tree. I live in a humble family having dinner in a simple Chinese restaurant sharing 2 drinks in a family of 4. I am proud of who I am and where i come from. Yes, my dad might not be as rich as Steve Jobs but I know his qualities are always better. I am proud when i go to work or some functions with him. He literally attended those function with a sandals once. And he still gain respects and smile wherever he goes from people of all races. I have learnt a lot from him. Even if you are rich or poor. Just be yourself. Be kind. Be humble. Be nice and the world will love you. Even if what you are wearing is a big fashion No No. If you can't achieve something, never blame the government. Never blame the government of being bias about other race. Because you are giving excuse to yourself and excuses are what pull you back.

True that I live in a simple family. Not really that rich. But judging by what I am today and what i learned, I am proud of who I am, where I come from. I came to accept that I am who I am and am really proud of myself even though I did screw up a lot. And daddy if you happen to come across this, even though I don't see you often but I love you and you thought me a lot by how you live and how you pave your way around people. Thanks dad.

To Drink Or Not To Drink

"Vy Vyan, wanna go for a drink?" Well I don't drink. I do when I am around my parents when I have to but without them, I don't.

I know I might be really uncool now and might drop way down the pyramid of social life but I am fine because i hold on to what i believe.

I know friends who hang out and drink til they are drunk and the next morning, they will have a hangover so bad, they can barely move. I would ask why do you do that? The answer I always get is it is fun! You should try. Well, what i remember fun is all about laughing ad being happy without being stuck in bed the next day because your head hurts.

I don't call these people stupid. I pity them. The only reason why I think they revolve around drinking is because they are deteriorating deep inside or simply insecure. Its because they are so sad they need a glass of Terquila (is this how you spell it) to make them happy. Its because they clearly do not know what is the definition of fun.

People always ask me, why don't you drink? Why should I? I went to a club, sat there and just observe. What is actually so fun about it? Well, the music is too loud for me. The drinks are bitter. And the people are making a fool out of themselves. Girls with microscopic skirts. Going crazy. Close to being an animal. Is this what is called cool these days? Cause i will stick to this uncool side.

Well, I secretly do not know will i be drinking in the future. But for now i know my life is simply perfect to be downing those juice that burns your throat all the way down and makes things 'fun'. Because frankly what I think is fun is hanging out with my friends, all snuggled up in one bed playing Charades and Mafia. Partying with marshmallow instead of liquor, shoving as many marshmallow into your mouth to see who wins. For now I like that.

What they think about birthday party in clubs? I am cool with that. If I am invited i might go depending on how close am I to this person but I will definitely not touch any drink unless it is alcohol free. I would prefer my birthday party to be full of marshmallow and all the people I love. I secretly do wish my grandparents would be here but they can come to my party in heaven I guess.

What i call fun is spending time with your family by keeping all Saturdays and Sunday nights unoccupied so i have the maximum time to spend with them. Spend more time with Angel and Bryan from the orphanage after college. Stay crazy with my friends and love without afraid of hurting. Giving without hoping that it will be returned. And just smile.

Cause sometimes helping others is the new fun and cool. SO do come for the run. The HELPing Hand Run.

These are the details.

Pictures from TRINITY and all these amazing SASArians involved!

Kai Xiang and David

David is an amazing boy who always help me out when i try parking my car. Its not like i need his help cause i am an excellent driver (Ps. If its not for him, my car will be scratched all over)

Jasmine and her favorite student John

The Monday crew!

Jamie and his love, Justin (You will be amazed by their connection. Justin and his little brother,Bryan will always insist on what happen to Jamie if he is not there)

For further information please check our Facebook page

http://www.facebook.com/events/405355206178588/415931998454242/?ref=notif&notif_t=plan_mall_activity

Please help. Just look at them aren't they addorable?!

The Power of Make Up

"Ew... She is such a fake! Look at her make up!"

Sounds familiar? Does it really matter? I am totally fine with it! I don't wear it all the time, i just wear it occasionally. Like for a party, or a formal ball. That remark comes sadly from most males.

Look, if the girls with layers of make up is called fake, than what are you? Hiding behind huge layers of wax, hitting the gym all times until you get so buff you can hardly touch your shoulders with your hands. They say, i want internal beauty! But you secretly still go after girls with all the assets. Big boobs, lean body, pretty face. I am not saying all guys do that but sadly most. That is why there are girls being grouped as The Big NO. And here you are complaining about how fake this girl in front of you is with the layers of make up.

This is what i see. My point of view. I frankly do get disgusted when i see girls wearing super thick make up. But constantly remind myself, its something she needs to hold on. Something to boost up their confidence. And with that i think, why not? Its a normal thing for a girl to want to look pretty. I mean i would wanna look pretty but I am just too lazy to put those on my face and frankly i have enough confidence in a life time. 

Its hard to accept at first but frankly i prefer girls putting a few layers of make up to feel better bout herself than girls taking drugs, smoking, cutting herself in order to feel better. Make up is an art. For people who thinks make up is a fake, sorry but you are being hypocritical.

So here we are, your favourite celebs!

1) Katy Perry

 2) Taylor Swift

3) Megan Fox 

There are still make up on but its tonnes lesser than the picture after.

So how are your inner beauty thing kicking in? I do not encourage make up as a must, but if it is the first baby step for the females to gain confidence then why not? 

But for girls out there who survive on make up, it is also true that it is best to not depend on them. Feel good about yourself. Try putting lesser and lesser make up on your face. Its hard but after a few times, you won't even find make up necessary for a date.

There will a be a HELPing Hand Run in Bukit Damansara on the 7th of October. Maybe, let you inner beauty kick in and encourage yourself to join the charity run to help?

You can check the facebook page, http://www.facebook.com/HELPingHandsRun
or the event page, http://www.facebook.com/events/405355206178588/

The Life as A Helper

People might think, serving the community is easy. Well it is simply NOT! Especially when you are working with kids and TEENAGERS! "Help only mah! I also no larh! Very big meh?!", that's what Malaysians say, but seriously, what do they do? NOTHING!

The hardest phase in the entire process is getting attached to the kids. Especially if they even make an origami for you. Its a good thing, for sure but when its time to leave, the process is horrible. I mean i personally hate goodbyes. Especially those goodbyes that make you feel like you might never see this one person again. We will leave them one day. Or they might leave us! When a kid told us they might leave forever, ya, you are suppose to be happy for them but deep down thousands of questions will run through our mind, "Will he be ok?", "Will this happen again"? But mostly what I will feel is missing them, hoping not to not to not see them again. Suck! You have to be happy for them. All you can do is hug them and say take care, but its hard to let go. It breaks your heart. THE ENTIRE NIGHT you will be thinking, how will he be with his parents again? We have to fake our smile and put our worries aside. Just be happy for them! But how? Boundaries. Limits.

Teenagers, sigh, teenagers. I had and still am going through the teen phase. But its SO hard to make them even to open up even the tiniest bit. You will try and try and when you think you are there, POOF! The doors are closed up. And you have to start ALLLLL over again. Have to sit and just go through the maze trying a different path. When they are sad, its impossible to go through the maze. Its like all dead end. Took me around 3 weeks to get her start talking to me again. (Talking in the sense as joke talk) But it is worth it when she decides to smile for you at last. Trying to advise her without letting her know you are but hoping that she will get it on her own. How does my mum do this again?!

So ya, as you know, we will be having a run, HELPing Hand Run!  So do join. Support them. Support those adorable sweethearts. They will need it.

 

You can call me, Vy Vyan. I am free at all times. My number is 017-6237823

or you can visit our Facebook page! http://www.facebook.com/HELPingHandsRun?ref=stream

http://www.facebook.com/events/405355206178588/

Definition of Love

Well, when you read this, i am pretty sure the first person you ever thought of is your crush or your partner. Well, sadly, but gladly, my definition of love is TOTALLY different.

Well, most of you will think, "Vy Vyan, SHUT UP! I love him SO much. You won't understand." Maybe you are right. But let me tell you when was the first time i fell so deeply in love, it was not on any guy. He was just a day old.

I fell in love in the hospital. The first time i laid eyes on him, i melted. When i hold him in my arms, everything felt right. This baby was like nothing i had ever felt. I was in love. With his rusty blond hair and literally brown hazel eyes. When he held my finger tight. This is what i call love.

Being in love is all about sacrifice. Love don't mean the other half. Love is when you can do ANYTHING for this one person. You can even die for them. The feeling when he first learn to talk was the best feeling ever. When he called me, i swear to you i was over the moon. When he fell down and BAM, I freaked out and started crying. When he took the first step. When he went to a nursery. When he would scream his lungs out when you are 1 minute late for ANYTHING! When he walks into your room and started hogging your bed. When he drag my snowy on the floor and ran all over the house. When he peed on snowy on accident. When he peed on ME on accident. When he kiss me. When he hug me. When his first bad word was SHIT (my bad) And most importantly when he will just look at you and say, "Aunt, I love you soooooooooo much! I will give you a present cause you are a good girl." Though i know i will NEVER get the present he is talking about but seriously, that is more than enough. He is the present.

Its amazing what love can do to you. I would always want to be a better person. Someone he would be proud of. Someone he can talk about in front of his best friend Guo Zhen. Someone he would sing about (yes, he make up songs depending on the situation). Someone who he is proud of. Someone who mean a world to him.

All i want to prove is this, you think you are in love but you might not. Love is something that also happen between your family. Love is an amazing strength. Makes you want to be a better person so do love right. If you had broken up and thought you fall out of love, you had never. You still do have your family, your friends. Even a complete stranger will fall in love with you. So don't give up on love. Its already there.

Him starting to turn into a huge monster thanks to all those pampering.

Him with his I am so angry pose i asked him to make (He is not angry, its all an act)

Man cookie, that's what he call them, the reason why he love me more because i make magic in the kitchen

See I told you it was all an act!

Black, that is what he called charcoal bread that i have to drive all the way uptown because he LOVE it.

He and his fishy he insisted me on taking,

Him being a big brother! He never mind sharing the love. (ok FINE! he does)

Looking around at fishy in Aquaria

His all time best friend. He will literally pounce on me if I ignore his demand for his Booster and Pacifier.

His definition of monster.

He can be a Nightmare sometimes. He once run into a firecracker and I have to stand in front of him because he refused to move. There goes my shirt. Or just yesterday when i he do not let me do my business and kept on asking me questions when i was busy in the toilet. Or when he pooped RIGHT in front of me in the dinning room and YES i have to pick it up. Or when he demand to go to toilet to poop when you are eating. Or when he insist you to look in the toilet bowl at his poop to tell him he did a good job at pooping! But love is hard. So..... I found love. Have you?

Lend a HELPing Hand

They say picture says better than words. I have a confession to make, I love each and everyone of these kids from the bottom of my heart. I am trying not to because i know one day i will have to leave them and pursue what i want in my life. I mean each and every SASArians will have to leave them one day. But the least we can do is provide them with hope. Yes, hope.

You sit here reading my blog. You complain about how screwed up is your life. You complain about how your boyfriend treat you badly. You complain about not getting that Ipad you wanted. You complain how lucky is your friends having a sport car to drive. But STOP being so ignorant. Take a second and look into the world. Spend your time and think.

What all the kids in these orphanages want is their parents bringing them back home at least for the holiday. What all they want is the opportunity to lead a normal life like us. What all of them want is to know someone out there still care for them. And what we want? Fame. Fortune. Love. We have all these. Its just that we are too greedy and FULL of ourselves to realize this. We are horrible person. We are a horribly lucky person.

I am personally attached to this girl Angel. She would hold me hand and look up at me fluttering her long lashes asking me, "Sister Vy Vyan, why can't you stay with me?" Every single time she say this i just feel like taking her home. I want this 5 year old girl to be free from all the pain she is suffering. Every single time she says this i tear up and smile. I would ALWAYS sing to her just to make her feel better. I teach the teenage girls about boys. They would ask what I want to do and they said wow! If only i can be just like you. I, I mean we the SASArians keep thinking, why can't they be just like us? Than snap, Darren Timothy and Tim figured out why. They need a good environment. A good facility. Something that only can be settled by money.

So our 2 TimS came out with this brilliant idea to raise money for all the kids involved in our Teaching Programme. But we know deep down, how much we have to do. And it is our second semester, with university applications and stuff like that. They insisted to carry on, formed a committee and we are set to go.  Its just the beginning. We need a lot of help and support. A LOT OF HELP AND SUPPORT! But we are not chickening out. Its for them. We get none from the outcome. 

We are very different from most of the Runs. We are involved and had approached these children for months. We know what they need. We know how much they need. And we are trying to make a difference. It might be small but its not nothing.

So people, i wish, from the bottom of my heart that please do support. Please at least spend 3 hours of your time to just run for them. The more the better. Some of them will appear during the run. I know they will feel amazing, like WOW! These people are doing this for us! They care!

Yes, you definitely will help financially. But most importantly, you do help morally too. You always feel like you don't help enough? Well this is your chance. God is watching. Be the light in their life.

For further information, you can personally contact me,
Vy Vyan - 0176237823
Timothy  - 0102202375
Darren    - 0122128478

Or simply visit our facebook page.

http://www.facebook.com/events/405355206178588/

You Think You Love Him

Sometimes, yes, he is all you can think about. You think you are madly in love with one person. That is what all teen thinks nowadays. Only one out of ten teens' relationship are successful. But why?

Simply because we are immature. You feel lonely and suddenly this guy appear out of no where, giving you the attention you need and than you think, hey maybe i like him. And than you"fall in love" for this guy. But seriously is that love or are you just curious? Is that love or you just need this guy to fill in the space. I am very sure almost 100% of the people here will think, this is love. Don't doubt us. We are old enough to make our own decision. This is what i call denial. Not everyone can accept the fact that they are desperate. Yes, everyone is Desperado, especially when they are going through the downs. I admit that at times i feel like nothing i working out and suddenly this guy appear out of nowhere i might think hey, i think he is a fine one. That is when everyone of you have to think properly and clearly, do you seriously like this guy?

Most girls will just jump into conclusion like, he is there for me. He MUST be the one. No doubt it applies on certain occasions but as a teen, i don't think so it is applicable. Because most guys, they are nice to you because they have other intentions. They are not nice to you because you are a sad individual. Some guys actually think that, "Hey, she is sad, this is my chance to win her over". Get it? You are suppose to look for these type of guys, " Hey, she is sad, I must be there for her, she needs me". 

Love is a try and error thing. People tend to think, every relationship works out. It don't. Sadly there is never happy endings to this type of thing. Relationships always end with pain. Even if you get married, your other half might just leave you for God. But its the feeling of living your life with another person. To have someone to depend on. That is the key to everything.

Relationship is all about tolerance. Both parties MUST let down their ego. And DO NOT spam twitter or whatever social network with pictures with both of you. Its ok if there are a few appropriate ones. But somethings are better to keep it between yourself. Instead of telling the world how much you love him or her, why don't you just whisper into their ears about how much you love them. Because, frankly, the world don't really care. Make sure that you don't spend all your time with this person and make sure you still have ample of time with your friends. That is the mistake done by us. We tend to forget about our friends. If the relationship fail, the only thing you have on your back is your amigos. SO NEVER FORGET YOUR FRIENDS. Sometimes just have some bff time without your boyfriend. If your boyfriend is in the same group, than let him join his bro's for some crazy thing and don't chock them with too much sweetness. Friends, they just want to know that you are still there. 

The main thing is getting the right or close to right partner. This is the trickiest part. People always say follow your heart. Some people say be rational in order to not choose the wrong one. I say use both your heart and brain in this. First, let the heart kick in. If this guy makes you feel all soft and buttery why not? Than wait for a few months whether is it still a crush. This is the time the brain kicks in asking you to wait and see whether is this real or its merely a crush. At the same time, you can see whether whatever the guy is doing bore you or make you go crazier for him. Like i like kid, if i see my crush getting very well along with kid everything will be right. So ya, if the feeling is so strong, than hint the guy or make your first move. Don't BUG the guy. If he don't reply any of your actions, its clear that he is not into you. Than instead of making a fool out of yourself, back off. Some girls, they are a bit over crazy, they will continue winning the guy over. Depending on your mentality. Because, i don't think a girl should go after a guy in any cause. It lowers your reputation and like it or not that boy will not respect you. The brain here must do the thinking and analysis. Whether is he the right one. His attitude. His personality. Because there are girls who date drug addict. This is when their brain do not kick in. Just be yourself, if the guy do not accept you for who you are than why date him?

NEVER date a guy who makes you cry or sad. Try dating before getting into anything serious to see how it goes aka trial period. NEVER date a guy who makes you feel bad if yourself. NEVER date a guy who tried lowering your self-esteem just to boost theirs. NEVER date guys who are still stuck in the past.

It is important to remember not all relationships work out. Its all about trial and error. And its best to forgive and forget your failed relationship. Sure it takes time but forgiving is the key for a new successful relationship.

OK now i sound like a love guru. But seriously, its all about trial and error. Take care and sorry for the long wait. Was really really really busy. FML. My friend had continuously asked me to write about this so here it is. :)

An Evil World Out There

For the first time, i took one long day to think of how do i write this blog. It is pretty hard to admit this world we live in is almost hopeless. Gone. Poof. It took me long to realize that I am living in ignorance. There is so much pain happening in the world and I am here having road rage screaming at the car, literally.

So what made me write this? Why didn't i write it before this? This is because I live in denial and again, ignorance. Until i visited this orphanage one day and i stared at these kids thinking, I am really lucky. I am VERY lucky. On the way back i keep thinking, how could they? I got so attached to them in lesser than an hour, and suddenly i just want to do SO much MORE! Especially this beautiful girl I am in charge of. Vivian. The moment i accidentally chosen her i felt this link. It just bonded. Suddenly I tell myself, i will do anything to help this girl. She is very bright. Really beautiful and she is an Indian. And i had just proven that I ain't a racist. Anyways, I feel like giving her all the love I can give. I hugged most of the kids there before leaving and screaming out ' I Love You ' before i leave. When i hop in my car and look at all of them waving as i leave i teared up. I curse their parents in my heart. In fact i hate them. All i thought was how could they do this to their kids. I keep thinking about a perfect excuses for them but my heart keep kicking in and say, that is not an excuse, EVEN NOW

And than my friend kept on telling me, Vy Vyan, that is why we are here. The most horrible thing that could destroy this entire world ever existed is HUMAN. We kill. We destroy each other. We discriminate each other. We hurt each other. But seriously why? Why can't we leave in peace? Why can't we make this world a better place? There are people saying we are doing this to make this world a better place. But I don't see a difference. I see it only gets worst. It just don't make sense. They seek peace by destroying peace. Why can people be so blind. I mean i respect all political parties. Their main thing is to make this world a better place. But there are people out there having this perception that I have to destroy to make this a better place scares me a lot.

As for the kids, I can't entirely blame their parents. They might have their problems that they think its best to leave their kids behind for a better future. I mean a dim light is better than vivid black walls right? But I just can't help thinking, than why can't you prevent having this children if you know that you have no abilities to bring them up? They have siblings in the orphanage. SIBLINGS! I MEAN SERIOUSLY? They seriously think they can afford the second kid when they can't even afford the first?

The main point is, have protected sex. Even better still don't have it until you are ready to bare the consequences. Don't let hedonism kick in and take over your mind. Hedonistic kills most times and ruin not only your future but also the people around you. Use your brain than your heart. Evaluate everything you think with you brain. Don't let your heart do the thinking! JUST DON'T! It never work that way.

Take care. Just seriously, try to make this world a better place by starting from yourself. Think of what i say, said and will be forever saying.

Different Perfection

Everyone is perfect in this world. The problem with everyone is just they are not satisfy with themselves and also other people. So every difference is a perfection and its true. Everyone ask me this question. Vy Vyan, how do you do it? I mean seriously, i fell into a hole and i was laughing it out. I might seem mental but to me it just seem funny. And with that people assume that i have no problems on my own. Or maybe all problems i face are petty and i solve it in a blink of an eye.

What happen if i tell you no. I just push it away and find a way to release the thing inside me with the things that i do. Like i like laughing a lot so i laugh at almost everything. Even if i don't feel like it i still force myself to because i know i will feel better after that. Or i start transferring my feeling onto the black and white keys. Yap, my piano. Maybe its because its the only thing i am good at and the best thing is i have 2 of this beauty and each one is used for different situations. Like when i feel sad, i will use the one in the closed up room and start hitting on the keys and when i feel like there is something inside me that i have to get out of me (good or bad) and i don't know what there is when my beauty, an upright grand, comes in handy. It helps because every song you play tells a story. And you are listening to your own story, suddenly you feel better and you magically comes up with a new song, well at least it happens to me. Or i have a soft part towards my softie, i tend to hug them real tight and the familiar scent will rush through your nose and you will feel better. 

It depends on who you are. Everyone has their own way to let it out, but cutting yourself and picking on others is definitely not the way. My different perfection is being able to laugh at everything even my own mistakes AND of cause being able to joke about anything. Laughter is like a symphony that rushes through my ears and soothes my throat than slowly put my heart in peace. 

So hottest question, is there something behind the smile, well yes, in fact it is under control. There is always something behind every smile its just depending how you control it. Well my daily way to make myself feel better is telling myself, there is somewhere out there, someone will trade anything for my life. There is someone going through worst problem than breaking up with your boyfriend / girlfriend. Or there is a bigger problem than the crush not liking you back. Think about that, and suddenly you will feel stupid for getting sad over stuff like that. Tell yourself, I am VERY lucky and list the worst that could happen from that situation. 

And since there is a lot of my friends trying to hook me up with someone or either guessing that who is that special someone, i would just like to take this opportunity to make things very clear. Being single is fine. I am not looking into any relationships. I have no one in mind. As much as i seem crazy bout girls, those are all JOKES. I am fine being single, and being single does not mean you are lonely. Even if it does, being lonely is not a sin, and when you are alone, you get to set things right. SO i am really fine guys, no need to hook me up. Thanks anyways :)

Four Little Letters in Life

Four words in life. Love and Hate. Simple ain't it but always it does make a big impact in life. When there is love, there will be no war. There will certainly be no pain. No refugee camp. No rehabilitation centre. No fight. No murder. No rape. No abuse. No tears. Everyone will be smiling. Everyone will feel sufficient. Everyone will feel good about themselves. No bulimic. No more cutting. No more racing-to-be-just-like-her situation. No plastics. No plastic surgery. But this will never exist in life. Never unless hate is destroyed from this world. Its hard to just not hate some people. Certainly do take a lot of time to forget that this person almost ruin your life. But sadly it takes a few days to forget the good someone had done. Weird right? I am not that perfect. Hell no. I still think back how this high school friends ruin my life making most of my high school life a disaster. Or the girl who is my so-call best friend who did some really stupid stuff on purpose to the first guy i like. Took me forever to forgive and forget. Did really think why life is so unfair to me. But somehow something struck me.Life was never really the problem. I mean COME ON! It was me all the while. Life never did gave me lemon. I just gave it to myself. Lets put it in this way. Like the girl. Yes, she so call break my heart. But she did not ruin my life. I did. Because i allow this to lead me into more stupid decisions which ruin my entire high school experience. It was definitely me all along to let people words behind my back hurt my feeling. Get it? Yes i hate her. Used to. But hate can be developed into a strength. Like " Oh she wants to manipulate me into letting myself ruin my life. You know what, I will not let that happen in fact i must ensure that i lead a better life than her by being happy with what i have," JUST LIKE THAT! Took me 18 years to think this way and I actually feel really good about myself. Now i don't hate her anymore. I thank her for trying to make my life miserable. Because seriously now her life is a mess. I am better than her in all way. And yes, with love together u become a super power. You stand up taller because you love yourself enough. You stand up taller because your friend loves you. You stand up taller because your family loves you. You stand up taller because God loves you. You stand up taller because your pet or even your soft toy loves you. Its simple. Love and hate. Its a yin and yang. But together. They make a person blossom.

I am Amazing as long as i believe

Sometimes without knowing people tend to abuse themselves mentally or physically. For example, i want to be like her! I am SO different. Why can't my hair be like hers and not jet black. I really like that but i don't think i can do it. They gave me the job i really wanted, i think i will pass cause i am just not good enough. But all you have to remember is this phrase, yes, you are not like other individuals. But that is what makes you special. Being abnormal does not mean that you are not amazing in fact being different gives you a greater advantages compared to others. You can shine brighter than normal. Me? I am beyond normal. I laugh too loud. Talk too much. Too easy going. But this is what makes me Vy Vyan. This is what gives me the courage to write this blog. I mean who would have the guts to tell you what is best to do and not afraid that it will backfire on me one day when I am at my lowest. All i am asking is for you to destroy the barrier. Do something that you will never think that you will do. Let yourself go and just be you. Because the moment you let go, you see the beauty in this world. Even the rain falling upon you might seem to be great. Life has its ups and down. It does not have a happy ending that is for sure but you can make every chapter of your life memorable and enjoyable so when your happy ending is not that happy after all, you know that hey, I did what i always wanted, I am good with this life. You have a dream to join a military? Or you dream of a job that forever helps others, putting others beyond yourself. Just do it. After all life is short. Its best when many more people can benefit from your life. Don't do this something because you have to. Do something that you want to. I will start a challenger. Look at yourself in the mirror. Tell yourself 5 things that you are not satisfied with yourself. Than slowly think what is good about it. Like me, I cry whenever i had enough. Its bad showing that i am fragile. But the good part is this characteristics makes me a happier person because after crying i feel much better. Or I am not the prettiest girl in class. But I am smarter than the prettiest girl in class. When this goes on and you are starting to find it difficult to find flaws in you. You had succeeded. If you can't find the positive side of your flaw, just ask your friend or parents to help you out. Believe me, the only reason you can't find it is because you are too hard on yourself. You guys can also visit this website http://www.aidforafrica.org/ All of you will feel lucky. Or read this book, "It happened on the way to war" by rye barcott

I am not a Chinese. I am a Malaysian

I am very proud to say I am a Malaysian. I will be called a Malaysian. Because i love my country and this is it. Sadly, i had seen many people especially around my age group boast about how amazing are other countries. Believe me, they love Aussie, The U.S.A and UK. They will know everything about the following place. But seriously, have you look into the matter? If you don't protect the country than who will. If the country is as bad as you had been saying, why are you still here? Malaysia is a democratic country. Which means people's decision really do matter. So we as citizens do not do our part, how will Malaysia improve. If the country is bad as you say the only reason i can think of is because we have people like you. I have friends that always say I will go to UK when there is a chance. Malaysia is bullshit and a racist country. We Chinese are bright. We will never have a chance because Malay will always have the opportunity. It just get into my nerve. Because certain country that you love is worst. They had only recently resolve part of the racist issues. In Malaysia, everyone have a chance as long as you are bright. If you had forgotten our history, it is a rule written and cannot be changed. The Malays had shared their country with all races. It is normal to have such a rule and it is what i call fair. When you are at your dream country you will never have the chance you think you will have. The Alpha group will always be on top eventhough you are better than them. This is the truth. Malaysia is my home. Its where I am born. Its where i feel amazing. After long trips to other country, the moment i step into Malaysia, I feel relief. Like I am back home as this is the truth. There are a lot of amazing facts about Malaysia. Everyone has a chance. I repeat EVERYONE. Look at Dato' Lim Goh Tong for example. He had never complained about racist issues. He was even given a chance to prove himself. And look at how successful he is. He was supported by all races and because he accepted, tolerated and was proud to be a Malaysian. People all around the world are running away from their country to live here. Even Ph.D holders. They had admitted that their country was a mess and the find Malaysia lovely and peaceful. All this are not a lie. I had seen and heard with my own eyes and ears. Malaysia is where the chance begin, savour the chance. I know people might ask, why are you planning to study in other country eventhough you love Malaysian that much. Simple, I want to get away from my parents grasp and I just want to see the world. But deep down I will always remember I am a Malaysian and Malaysia is my home. Even if one day i might not be living in Malaysia any more, Malaysia will always be my home. The reason i might leave Malaysia one day is will never be because I don't love Malaysia enough. Its because, I am dying to acheive something not only in my home but away from it. To show that Malaysians can do it too. Love your country. You only have one Ps. Sorry for the long wait, was really busy with my exams. :)

Death.

People die everyday. Yes, sometimes its your loved one. It is really hard to accept the fact that they just had gone to a better place. The pain is.. cannot be put into words. Buts its nature, its the cycle of life. You have to simply accept the fact and let go. Personally, I had my own experience when your loved one is snatched away. Twice at once. I am writing this not to make people look at me with different perspective but I wrote this to show people that i had over come this. It was a long process, if i did it so can everyone of you. My grandmother had been suffering for cancer for years. She kept it to herself until there was an outbreak. Suddenly things were different. There was an outbreak. And suddenly, days at home eating her home cooked meal had turned into daily trips to the hospital. She was strong, she held on and will try to be the same. There were times when she will not receive any medications because it makes her feel weak. She will be moaning in pain. She would scream at me when i gave her pain killers saying I am doing this to shut her up. I know how badly she wants to see her orchid and there were times when she admitted she see things floating above her trying to take her away. It was hard. All my cousins and I could do is just bring the joy into her room. My cousins and i were still young. We would sing and changed the song that she sang to us when we were kid into rap and you name it. She would smile and it is priceless because she spend most of the days knocked out by the drugs. We wanted to put her to sleep but she would not go through this without a fight. She hang on. There were times when the she start gasping for air and suddenly there was nothing. We thought we had loose her as she had stopped breathing. Suddenly she sprung back to life when we were crying and demand for a drumstick. She would than demand everyone to gather around her bed and start scolding each and everyone of us. She was nearly back to normal. But deep down i know she had came back because she was worry about us. Especially her grandchild. As if the God had not taken enough away from me, my grandfather was struck by cancer. Lung cancer. Nobody told him because we knew he was nothing like my grandmother. He will give up in life. My mum being a super woman rush to two houses to look after them and she, taking over my grandmother's gene was strong. She did not give her time to moan. I was in school, having lessons as usual when suddenly my mum appear at my doorsteps with my brother beside her.I knew something was wrong. I was chilling because i thought it was a false alarm, it had to be, it happened for a few times. When suddenly my mum burst out crying. She accepted a call and kept saying hold on under her breathe. I held my brother tight secretly hoping she would let go to free herself from the pain. All of us were not there on time. My dad was sitting beside her at all times. The moment when he walked out and came back in lesser than 5 minutes time, she was gone. My mum rushed in and she being a strong woman still put on a poker face and arranged the funeral. She joked around but i knew she need her moment to cry. I was putting on my best poker face too, hugging my cousin sisters who was also too late to see the last of her. But as strong as my mum and i were, we broke down and cry alas, when everything was almost over. The next morning, my dad went to check on my grandfather. He sat there in the sofa. My dad called him for breakfast but he sat there silently. That is when my dad knew, he was gone too. It was unexpected, he was suppose to have a few more months left. Than everything went on. I was too numb to cry. How did I face it? By simply accepting that they are in a better place now. That one day I will reunite with them. That they are not dead because they will always be in my heart. I choose to remember the great times we had. Not the trips to the hospital and watching the drug taking them away. It was not easy but it worked. Now, my family can talk about them without holding back. My mum still held on to the necklace my grandma gave her. Believe in God, tell yourself that they are at a better place now free from sufferings. Tell yourself that they are waiting for you when the time comes. Don't be afraid of death because it will come anyway. Spend the most out of your life. Do your best, at least you will die knowing that I had made the best out of my life.

Believe in God. God is Just and everything happens for a reason.

Friend's Protocol

Yes, sometimes watching your friend getting into trouble is the worst thing that can ever happen. You will do anything to protect them. You will do anything to back him/she up even if it means hurting yourself or even getting yourself into trouble. The problem is what if he/she refuse to accept what are you doing because they are too self-centered (without realizing) to think that you simply do not understand them well enough. They will soon get piss with you for not supporting or even worst trying to stop them. But seriously, what can you do in this situation?

Assume that your friend is dating this girl. She is the worst nightmare. You know so much about her and suddenly she is dating your bff. Your first action might be talking some sense into him. But of cause most of them will refuse to listen. And you soon give in thinking "meh, they will break up soon anyways."

So the problem start arising, your friends parents found out. The girl had broken his family apart. He is always depressed by the pressure his parents give them. It is clear to you that it is too late to pull him back because he can even go against his family and of cause you for the girl.


Yes, you might scream at him! You will cry for him! You might even give him the silent treatment just to make some sense into his empty brain. But it does not help. So now what you ask your self. I can't do this and I can't make him stop so what can I do?

Simple, yes, you will be heart broken but slowly try to think back the times when you were in a mess, he was there. When you had fell head over heels for a guy who has a big ASS sign on his forehead. He was there helping you through. Or maybe you broke your arm and he was there to soothe the pain by making the lamest joke ever but you will still laugh at it. Suddenly you will feel that, hey, the sickbay is an amazing place. Than you will slowly think, this is merely just a challenge.

He/she has the right to decide what they want in life. As a friend you had done your part advising him. Now is just to catch him when he falls. Don't scream at his mistakes cause it make things worst. Look at him and smile. Give him a hug and say, hey idiot, i am here. The process is slow and unbearable the entire time. But think, did he complain when you puke all over his shirt when you got too much of those alcohol. You can't help him to decide what is right. Your friend there have to experience the pain himself to stand back up.

~Pain is part of growing up~ As this will make him a better person. Its hard I know, but its the best. And this is a unwritten friend protocol that you had signed up.


Just think bout all the great times and you will be fine :)