Just The 5 Year Old Me

I remembered all those things I had wished to become when I was 5.

1. Dance to the Swan Lake. Nor longer as the baby swan but the swan swan.
2. Get all A's for my UPSR, PMR and SPM.
3. Make my parents proud of me.
4. Finish my piano to satisfy my parents.
5. Still continue to hate peas.
6. Never get married / fall in love.
7. Be good at everything
8. Just be perfect.


Out of 8, I barely succeeded half of the list. I only succeeded two of them. The second and the fourth. You know when you are young you think you are special? Well, its not anymore. Pretty sucky huh?

I remembered when I was a kid, ballet was my everything. The only think I am actually good at. Remembered dancing to the Waltz in front of this amazingly huge stage with the others. Making sure i point my toes right. My postures. My smile. Chest and heads up. Fingers placed in the perfect position. Leap into the air. And then I am suppose to give up everything. Barely even have the chance to dance to the Dead Swan.

I remembered when I was unstoppable. I will do anything to get what I want. But seriously come to think of it, what do I seriously want? What do you want? What do we want? What do the whole world want from us?

So i took a step back from striving to be perfect because the only reason I could think of for trying so hard is to rub it on other people's face and because I was so insecure. And ask myself, what is life? What do I want with this life? I can't seem to answer those questions properly. But at least I improve by having this rough idea still covered with layers of haze.

I want to do good. Want to love myself more. Want to be loved. Just to feel special.

I came to an understanding that money, can't really give you everything. I still do need money. But I don't want to drive a Bentley, in fact I find Myvi pretty comfy. I don't want a guy that have trust funds that can feed the world. I just need a guy that loves me. I don't need to impress everyone, I just need to impress myself and look at Snowy to back me up. True, I had gone through so much shits that my best friend have no clues about. But all these hardships and scar had made me from the last person I had ever want to be to a better person.

Frankly, I am sometimes pretty depressed about life. But I will look back and think about that cheerful Vy Vyan in the ballet shoes and hair held back in the gel and I will take a deep breathe and tell myself, I got my back.

Will the 5 year old Vy Vyan be proud of me? Not really but I know she will be damn proud about what I am trying to achieve when most people in the world are still clueless about life, I have the faintest idea about what I want.