An Evil World Out There

For the first time, i took one long day to think of how do i write this blog. It is pretty hard to admit this world we live in is almost hopeless. Gone. Poof. It took me long to realize that I am living in ignorance. There is so much pain happening in the world and I am here having road rage screaming at the car, literally.

So what made me write this? Why didn't i write it before this? This is because I live in denial and again, ignorance. Until i visited this orphanage one day and i stared at these kids thinking, I am really lucky. I am VERY lucky. On the way back i keep thinking, how could they? I got so attached to them in lesser than an hour, and suddenly i just want to do SO much MORE! Especially this beautiful girl I am in charge of. Vivian. The moment i accidentally chosen her i felt this link. It just bonded. Suddenly I tell myself, i will do anything to help this girl. She is very bright. Really beautiful and she is an Indian. And i had just proven that I ain't a racist. Anyways, I feel like giving her all the love I can give. I hugged most of the kids there before leaving and screaming out ' I Love You ' before i leave. When i hop in my car and look at all of them waving as i leave i teared up. I curse their parents in my heart. In fact i hate them. All i thought was how could they do this to their kids. I keep thinking about a perfect excuses for them but my heart keep kicking in and say, that is not an excuse, EVEN NOW

And than my friend kept on telling me, Vy Vyan, that is why we are here. The most horrible thing that could destroy this entire world ever existed is HUMAN. We kill. We destroy each other. We discriminate each other. We hurt each other. But seriously why? Why can't we leave in peace? Why can't we make this world a better place? There are people saying we are doing this to make this world a better place. But I don't see a difference. I see it only gets worst. It just don't make sense. They seek peace by destroying peace. Why can people be so blind. I mean i respect all political parties. Their main thing is to make this world a better place. But there are people out there having this perception that I have to destroy to make this a better place scares me a lot.

As for the kids, I can't entirely blame their parents. They might have their problems that they think its best to leave their kids behind for a better future. I mean a dim light is better than vivid black walls right? But I just can't help thinking, than why can't you prevent having this children if you know that you have no abilities to bring them up? They have siblings in the orphanage. SIBLINGS! I MEAN SERIOUSLY? They seriously think they can afford the second kid when they can't even afford the first?

The main point is, have protected sex. Even better still don't have it until you are ready to bare the consequences. Don't let hedonism kick in and take over your mind. Hedonistic kills most times and ruin not only your future but also the people around you. Use your brain than your heart. Evaluate everything you think with you brain. Don't let your heart do the thinking! JUST DON'T! It never work that way.

Take care. Just seriously, try to make this world a better place by starting from yourself. Think of what i say, said and will be forever saying.

Different Perfection

Everyone is perfect in this world. The problem with everyone is just they are not satisfy with themselves and also other people. So every difference is a perfection and its true. Everyone ask me this question. Vy Vyan, how do you do it? I mean seriously, i fell into a hole and i was laughing it out. I might seem mental but to me it just seem funny. And with that people assume that i have no problems on my own. Or maybe all problems i face are petty and i solve it in a blink of an eye.

What happen if i tell you no. I just push it away and find a way to release the thing inside me with the things that i do. Like i like laughing a lot so i laugh at almost everything. Even if i don't feel like it i still force myself to because i know i will feel better after that. Or i start transferring my feeling onto the black and white keys. Yap, my piano. Maybe its because its the only thing i am good at and the best thing is i have 2 of this beauty and each one is used for different situations. Like when i feel sad, i will use the one in the closed up room and start hitting on the keys and when i feel like there is something inside me that i have to get out of me (good or bad) and i don't know what there is when my beauty, an upright grand, comes in handy. It helps because every song you play tells a story. And you are listening to your own story, suddenly you feel better and you magically comes up with a new song, well at least it happens to me. Or i have a soft part towards my softie, i tend to hug them real tight and the familiar scent will rush through your nose and you will feel better. 

It depends on who you are. Everyone has their own way to let it out, but cutting yourself and picking on others is definitely not the way. My different perfection is being able to laugh at everything even my own mistakes AND of cause being able to joke about anything. Laughter is like a symphony that rushes through my ears and soothes my throat than slowly put my heart in peace. 

So hottest question, is there something behind the smile, well yes, in fact it is under control. There is always something behind every smile its just depending how you control it. Well my daily way to make myself feel better is telling myself, there is somewhere out there, someone will trade anything for my life. There is someone going through worst problem than breaking up with your boyfriend / girlfriend. Or there is a bigger problem than the crush not liking you back. Think about that, and suddenly you will feel stupid for getting sad over stuff like that. Tell yourself, I am VERY lucky and list the worst that could happen from that situation. 

And since there is a lot of my friends trying to hook me up with someone or either guessing that who is that special someone, i would just like to take this opportunity to make things very clear. Being single is fine. I am not looking into any relationships. I have no one in mind. As much as i seem crazy bout girls, those are all JOKES. I am fine being single, and being single does not mean you are lonely. Even if it does, being lonely is not a sin, and when you are alone, you get to set things right. SO i am really fine guys, no need to hook me up. Thanks anyways :)

Four Little Letters in Life

Four words in life. Love and Hate. Simple ain't it but always it does make a big impact in life. When there is love, there will be no war. There will certainly be no pain. No refugee camp. No rehabilitation centre. No fight. No murder. No rape. No abuse. No tears. Everyone will be smiling. Everyone will feel sufficient. Everyone will feel good about themselves. No bulimic. No more cutting. No more racing-to-be-just-like-her situation. No plastics. No plastic surgery. But this will never exist in life. Never unless hate is destroyed from this world. Its hard to just not hate some people. Certainly do take a lot of time to forget that this person almost ruin your life. But sadly it takes a few days to forget the good someone had done. Weird right? I am not that perfect. Hell no. I still think back how this high school friends ruin my life making most of my high school life a disaster. Or the girl who is my so-call best friend who did some really stupid stuff on purpose to the first guy i like. Took me forever to forgive and forget. Did really think why life is so unfair to me. But somehow something struck me.Life was never really the problem. I mean COME ON! It was me all the while. Life never did gave me lemon. I just gave it to myself. Lets put it in this way. Like the girl. Yes, she so call break my heart. But she did not ruin my life. I did. Because i allow this to lead me into more stupid decisions which ruin my entire high school experience. It was definitely me all along to let people words behind my back hurt my feeling. Get it? Yes i hate her. Used to. But hate can be developed into a strength. Like " Oh she wants to manipulate me into letting myself ruin my life. You know what, I will not let that happen in fact i must ensure that i lead a better life than her by being happy with what i have," JUST LIKE THAT! Took me 18 years to think this way and I actually feel really good about myself. Now i don't hate her anymore. I thank her for trying to make my life miserable. Because seriously now her life is a mess. I am better than her in all way. And yes, with love together u become a super power. You stand up taller because you love yourself enough. You stand up taller because your friend loves you. You stand up taller because your family loves you. You stand up taller because God loves you. You stand up taller because your pet or even your soft toy loves you. Its simple. Love and hate. Its a yin and yang. But together. They make a person blossom.

I am Amazing as long as i believe

Sometimes without knowing people tend to abuse themselves mentally or physically. For example, i want to be like her! I am SO different. Why can't my hair be like hers and not jet black. I really like that but i don't think i can do it. They gave me the job i really wanted, i think i will pass cause i am just not good enough. But all you have to remember is this phrase, yes, you are not like other individuals. But that is what makes you special. Being abnormal does not mean that you are not amazing in fact being different gives you a greater advantages compared to others. You can shine brighter than normal. Me? I am beyond normal. I laugh too loud. Talk too much. Too easy going. But this is what makes me Vy Vyan. This is what gives me the courage to write this blog. I mean who would have the guts to tell you what is best to do and not afraid that it will backfire on me one day when I am at my lowest. All i am asking is for you to destroy the barrier. Do something that you will never think that you will do. Let yourself go and just be you. Because the moment you let go, you see the beauty in this world. Even the rain falling upon you might seem to be great. Life has its ups and down. It does not have a happy ending that is for sure but you can make every chapter of your life memorable and enjoyable so when your happy ending is not that happy after all, you know that hey, I did what i always wanted, I am good with this life. You have a dream to join a military? Or you dream of a job that forever helps others, putting others beyond yourself. Just do it. After all life is short. Its best when many more people can benefit from your life. Don't do this something because you have to. Do something that you want to. I will start a challenger. Look at yourself in the mirror. Tell yourself 5 things that you are not satisfied with yourself. Than slowly think what is good about it. Like me, I cry whenever i had enough. Its bad showing that i am fragile. But the good part is this characteristics makes me a happier person because after crying i feel much better. Or I am not the prettiest girl in class. But I am smarter than the prettiest girl in class. When this goes on and you are starting to find it difficult to find flaws in you. You had succeeded. If you can't find the positive side of your flaw, just ask your friend or parents to help you out. Believe me, the only reason you can't find it is because you are too hard on yourself. You guys can also visit this website http://www.aidforafrica.org/ All of you will feel lucky. Or read this book, "It happened on the way to war" by rye barcott

I am not a Chinese. I am a Malaysian

I am very proud to say I am a Malaysian. I will be called a Malaysian. Because i love my country and this is it. Sadly, i had seen many people especially around my age group boast about how amazing are other countries. Believe me, they love Aussie, The U.S.A and UK. They will know everything about the following place. But seriously, have you look into the matter? If you don't protect the country than who will. If the country is as bad as you had been saying, why are you still here? Malaysia is a democratic country. Which means people's decision really do matter. So we as citizens do not do our part, how will Malaysia improve. If the country is bad as you say the only reason i can think of is because we have people like you. I have friends that always say I will go to UK when there is a chance. Malaysia is bullshit and a racist country. We Chinese are bright. We will never have a chance because Malay will always have the opportunity. It just get into my nerve. Because certain country that you love is worst. They had only recently resolve part of the racist issues. In Malaysia, everyone have a chance as long as you are bright. If you had forgotten our history, it is a rule written and cannot be changed. The Malays had shared their country with all races. It is normal to have such a rule and it is what i call fair. When you are at your dream country you will never have the chance you think you will have. The Alpha group will always be on top eventhough you are better than them. This is the truth. Malaysia is my home. Its where I am born. Its where i feel amazing. After long trips to other country, the moment i step into Malaysia, I feel relief. Like I am back home as this is the truth. There are a lot of amazing facts about Malaysia. Everyone has a chance. I repeat EVERYONE. Look at Dato' Lim Goh Tong for example. He had never complained about racist issues. He was even given a chance to prove himself. And look at how successful he is. He was supported by all races and because he accepted, tolerated and was proud to be a Malaysian. People all around the world are running away from their country to live here. Even Ph.D holders. They had admitted that their country was a mess and the find Malaysia lovely and peaceful. All this are not a lie. I had seen and heard with my own eyes and ears. Malaysia is where the chance begin, savour the chance. I know people might ask, why are you planning to study in other country eventhough you love Malaysian that much. Simple, I want to get away from my parents grasp and I just want to see the world. But deep down I will always remember I am a Malaysian and Malaysia is my home. Even if one day i might not be living in Malaysia any more, Malaysia will always be my home. The reason i might leave Malaysia one day is will never be because I don't love Malaysia enough. Its because, I am dying to acheive something not only in my home but away from it. To show that Malaysians can do it too. Love your country. You only have one Ps. Sorry for the long wait, was really busy with my exams. :)

Death.

People die everyday. Yes, sometimes its your loved one. It is really hard to accept the fact that they just had gone to a better place. The pain is.. cannot be put into words. Buts its nature, its the cycle of life. You have to simply accept the fact and let go. Personally, I had my own experience when your loved one is snatched away. Twice at once. I am writing this not to make people look at me with different perspective but I wrote this to show people that i had over come this. It was a long process, if i did it so can everyone of you. My grandmother had been suffering for cancer for years. She kept it to herself until there was an outbreak. Suddenly things were different. There was an outbreak. And suddenly, days at home eating her home cooked meal had turned into daily trips to the hospital. She was strong, she held on and will try to be the same. There were times when she will not receive any medications because it makes her feel weak. She will be moaning in pain. She would scream at me when i gave her pain killers saying I am doing this to shut her up. I know how badly she wants to see her orchid and there were times when she admitted she see things floating above her trying to take her away. It was hard. All my cousins and I could do is just bring the joy into her room. My cousins and i were still young. We would sing and changed the song that she sang to us when we were kid into rap and you name it. She would smile and it is priceless because she spend most of the days knocked out by the drugs. We wanted to put her to sleep but she would not go through this without a fight. She hang on. There were times when the she start gasping for air and suddenly there was nothing. We thought we had loose her as she had stopped breathing. Suddenly she sprung back to life when we were crying and demand for a drumstick. She would than demand everyone to gather around her bed and start scolding each and everyone of us. She was nearly back to normal. But deep down i know she had came back because she was worry about us. Especially her grandchild. As if the God had not taken enough away from me, my grandfather was struck by cancer. Lung cancer. Nobody told him because we knew he was nothing like my grandmother. He will give up in life. My mum being a super woman rush to two houses to look after them and she, taking over my grandmother's gene was strong. She did not give her time to moan. I was in school, having lessons as usual when suddenly my mum appear at my doorsteps with my brother beside her.I knew something was wrong. I was chilling because i thought it was a false alarm, it had to be, it happened for a few times. When suddenly my mum burst out crying. She accepted a call and kept saying hold on under her breathe. I held my brother tight secretly hoping she would let go to free herself from the pain. All of us were not there on time. My dad was sitting beside her at all times. The moment when he walked out and came back in lesser than 5 minutes time, she was gone. My mum rushed in and she being a strong woman still put on a poker face and arranged the funeral. She joked around but i knew she need her moment to cry. I was putting on my best poker face too, hugging my cousin sisters who was also too late to see the last of her. But as strong as my mum and i were, we broke down and cry alas, when everything was almost over. The next morning, my dad went to check on my grandfather. He sat there in the sofa. My dad called him for breakfast but he sat there silently. That is when my dad knew, he was gone too. It was unexpected, he was suppose to have a few more months left. Than everything went on. I was too numb to cry. How did I face it? By simply accepting that they are in a better place now. That one day I will reunite with them. That they are not dead because they will always be in my heart. I choose to remember the great times we had. Not the trips to the hospital and watching the drug taking them away. It was not easy but it worked. Now, my family can talk about them without holding back. My mum still held on to the necklace my grandma gave her. Believe in God, tell yourself that they are at a better place now free from sufferings. Tell yourself that they are waiting for you when the time comes. Don't be afraid of death because it will come anyway. Spend the most out of your life. Do your best, at least you will die knowing that I had made the best out of my life.

Believe in God. God is Just and everything happens for a reason.

Friend's Protocol

Yes, sometimes watching your friend getting into trouble is the worst thing that can ever happen. You will do anything to protect them. You will do anything to back him/she up even if it means hurting yourself or even getting yourself into trouble. The problem is what if he/she refuse to accept what are you doing because they are too self-centered (without realizing) to think that you simply do not understand them well enough. They will soon get piss with you for not supporting or even worst trying to stop them. But seriously, what can you do in this situation?

Assume that your friend is dating this girl. She is the worst nightmare. You know so much about her and suddenly she is dating your bff. Your first action might be talking some sense into him. But of cause most of them will refuse to listen. And you soon give in thinking "meh, they will break up soon anyways."

So the problem start arising, your friends parents found out. The girl had broken his family apart. He is always depressed by the pressure his parents give them. It is clear to you that it is too late to pull him back because he can even go against his family and of cause you for the girl.


Yes, you might scream at him! You will cry for him! You might even give him the silent treatment just to make some sense into his empty brain. But it does not help. So now what you ask your self. I can't do this and I can't make him stop so what can I do?

Simple, yes, you will be heart broken but slowly try to think back the times when you were in a mess, he was there. When you had fell head over heels for a guy who has a big ASS sign on his forehead. He was there helping you through. Or maybe you broke your arm and he was there to soothe the pain by making the lamest joke ever but you will still laugh at it. Suddenly you will feel that, hey, the sickbay is an amazing place. Than you will slowly think, this is merely just a challenge.

He/she has the right to decide what they want in life. As a friend you had done your part advising him. Now is just to catch him when he falls. Don't scream at his mistakes cause it make things worst. Look at him and smile. Give him a hug and say, hey idiot, i am here. The process is slow and unbearable the entire time. But think, did he complain when you puke all over his shirt when you got too much of those alcohol. You can't help him to decide what is right. Your friend there have to experience the pain himself to stand back up.

~Pain is part of growing up~ As this will make him a better person. Its hard I know, but its the best. And this is a unwritten friend protocol that you had signed up.


Just think bout all the great times and you will be fine :)