Just The 5 Year Old Me

I remembered all those things I had wished to become when I was 5.

1. Dance to the Swan Lake. Nor longer as the baby swan but the swan swan.
2. Get all A's for my UPSR, PMR and SPM.
3. Make my parents proud of me.
4. Finish my piano to satisfy my parents.
5. Still continue to hate peas.
6. Never get married / fall in love.
7. Be good at everything
8. Just be perfect.


Out of 8, I barely succeeded half of the list. I only succeeded two of them. The second and the fourth. You know when you are young you think you are special? Well, its not anymore. Pretty sucky huh?

I remembered when I was a kid, ballet was my everything. The only think I am actually good at. Remembered dancing to the Waltz in front of this amazingly huge stage with the others. Making sure i point my toes right. My postures. My smile. Chest and heads up. Fingers placed in the perfect position. Leap into the air. And then I am suppose to give up everything. Barely even have the chance to dance to the Dead Swan.

I remembered when I was unstoppable. I will do anything to get what I want. But seriously come to think of it, what do I seriously want? What do you want? What do we want? What do the whole world want from us?

So i took a step back from striving to be perfect because the only reason I could think of for trying so hard is to rub it on other people's face and because I was so insecure. And ask myself, what is life? What do I want with this life? I can't seem to answer those questions properly. But at least I improve by having this rough idea still covered with layers of haze.

I want to do good. Want to love myself more. Want to be loved. Just to feel special.

I came to an understanding that money, can't really give you everything. I still do need money. But I don't want to drive a Bentley, in fact I find Myvi pretty comfy. I don't want a guy that have trust funds that can feed the world. I just need a guy that loves me. I don't need to impress everyone, I just need to impress myself and look at Snowy to back me up. True, I had gone through so much shits that my best friend have no clues about. But all these hardships and scar had made me from the last person I had ever want to be to a better person.

Frankly, I am sometimes pretty depressed about life. But I will look back and think about that cheerful Vy Vyan in the ballet shoes and hair held back in the gel and I will take a deep breathe and tell myself, I got my back.

Will the 5 year old Vy Vyan be proud of me? Not really but I know she will be damn proud about what I am trying to achieve when most people in the world are still clueless about life, I have the faintest idea about what I want.

My Hero Without A Cape

You know how in movies you see a super huge, close to perfect muscular guy in a cape come save a normal citizen. That was a super hero to me. But as I grow up into a teenager, going through long phase of depression, I went through a phase feeling deceived about the fact that there are no heroes in the world. All a fiction. But I am glad I found out there is a hero all along beside me. In disguise of an over protective dad with a big tummy and .... let's just say, not the hero you see in the movie.

You see, like most of you, my dad and I used to rarely get along when I hit the teenage phase. We quarrel all the time, and every family dinner became an epic failure with screaming and tears. Don't get me wrong, he never lay a finger on me but things back then was just bad. Because I was an immature kid. My dad used to gun down every single guy who walked next to me. Even random strangers who just happen to walk beside me that I don't even know. Than he will check my phone and if he see a random text message pop out with a guy's name he will ground me and I would hate him for that. When i get late night calls and he will almost constantly eavesdrop. And he would constantly lecture me for sitting in front of the television and even check my history when i go on the net. But mind you, he never raised his voice, maybe once in a while. But trust me, the guys are terrified of him because my dad is THAT scary. I used to hate him for that. Rarely talk to him. Hate it when he tells me I am wrong cause I am not used to him telling me I am wrong. He will usually be the guy behind me who encourage me to skip tuitions and skip studying session with my mum to go out with him when I was a kid. He used to hate it when I was forced to study cause he thinks I need better childhood then that. 

But soon I grow up to understand that, those crazy shits my dad do? He is just trying to protect me. Maybe in a wrong way, but to him I am his baby girl. He would hug me and say, no matter how old are you, you will always be my baby girl. He hate to see me grow up, and to him I seem to be growing up too fast. So now, I took a step back and understand his situation, and now he is less crazy and surprisingly trusting me with my own decisions. He is just a father afraid that I will screw up. 

You know when shit happens, you get to see clearly about things happening around you. Tonnes of shit happens, and let's just say, my mum will be panicking, and my dad will be calm and help me out. Was once down with a high fever during the H1N1 period. Apparently, I caught it and HUKM did not take me in cause I am not dying enough, he drove me all the way to another hospital, got me in. I was impressed. Or the time I caught a high fever a day before SPM, he drove me all the way to Pudu cause all the clinics are close. He just need assurance that I will stay with him and still hug him and kiss him. Or hold his hand in public. That I am still his baby girl.

And you know what, I will find a guy with the same quality as he is (except the 'I Told You So' part and smoking). But I love him. And with that he is my personal hero without a cape. :)

Fashion BABY!

I will be the last person you should ask about fashion. My sense of style will be T-shirt and jeans. And I will wear the same shirt that i find comfortable over and over again for the entire week if its not for the hygenic purposes. How about college? I will be the girl in tee and jeans. Well you can see me wearing that shirt multiple times in a month! Well its comfortable, it smells nice. Why not?

I mean I might seem like this girl who have the smallest closet ever but seriously I do. The only time i shop for clothes is when I have to. Yap. Chinese New Year! I love shopping so please don't get me wrong but I would rather spend my time sleeping at home or spend my money on food and gym stuff. I do like seeing girls wearing pretty clothes and flaming red hair. But on me? Haha. I will NEVER spend that much effort and time to find the pretty clothes that are cheap and nice. And hair, I never comb my hair if that answers your question. Max once a day. I actually have the guts to come out of the shower, dry my hair with my towel, put on my shirt and shorts and go out for a family dinner. My parents will scold me and i will simply say, "Mum, this is my style. SWAG!" but truthfully I am too lazy and i would rather spend my time day dreaming. (except the fact i cut my hair in class because of split ends)

But seriously, when i come to think of it, for a girl, I am not much of a girl but deep down I am one, I am just really lazy. Get it? And I seriously don't care. I love dressing up don't get me wrong. Is just that I will ask myself, why bother dressing up every single time especially to college. I prefer wearing something comfy. I mean its a place to study and not a fashion show right? But I do like seeing my friends with pretty dresses and skirts. HOWEVER, I just don't think its appropriate for me. I mean I run around. Jump around. And even when i sit i have to fold my legs. So jeans is the most comfortable and appropriate thing ever created that makes Vy Vyan a happy person. Of cause shorts are amazing, I used to wear them to college until my parents vent about how ugly it is and also how disrespectful I am. I used to not understand and think they are just ridiculous but stick with my jeans but when i was driving to college, I saw this particular girl wearing shorts to college and I was thought to myself, "WOW! She came here to study in that? So much respect for the lecturers eh." than i realize that i used to do that and secretly understand why my parents don't really agree with me and shorts to college. But I do have friends wearing shorts to college and they look amazing. I guess its not for everyone? Guess its some fashion thing i can never understand. But I do know that I will never wear shorts to college anymore UNLESS if I run out of jeans.

When do i dress up? When I have to. Like going for a formal dinner. Or my friend's birthday party. I would put in effort on what i wear and open my eyes when i go through my closet to get a clothing that is non T-shirt which is pretty hard. But at least i try and my girlfriends have to seriously love me for my efforts.

So i have my believe. Fashion for me is comfy stuff. Some people may love branded stuff. Secretly who doesn't? But I would never respect people who carries falsies. Not because I am superficial but why pretend you have something that you couldn't afford. Whats wrong with a cheap stuff with better qualities but no brand. Get it? If you can't afford it simply just don't get it. Why act like you have one just for show show? I always believe and live by this phrase, if you have it, show it. So you can't afford it why try to show everyone you can afford it when you can't? Like me. My family ain't very rich. I don't have a Louis Vuitton bag. But i didn't try to a get a falsy. I stick with the same bag pack i used since I was 16. My handbag is a just a middle class brand. I am not afraid to tell people that I can't afford it. I mean if i have friends who look down on me because i don't carry a Gucci to college then they are simply not my friend.

I don't want to live my life pretending to be what I am not. I will never want to act like I care about fashion when i clearly don't. I will never want to act like I can afford a Hermes when I don't. Yes, my family ain't that rich. Or at least I don't claim I am rich. My dad make me grow up without telling me his income. I didn't even know what he works as til I am 16 because he refused to tell me thinking I might grow up into something that he will not be proud of. He changed me from a private school to a government thinking I will gain a lot more morally. And I am sure glad he did what he had done. Because now I don't act like an individual thinking money grows on tree. I live in a humble family having dinner in a simple Chinese restaurant sharing 2 drinks in a family of 4. I am proud of who I am and where i come from. Yes, my dad might not be as rich as Steve Jobs but I know his qualities are always better. I am proud when i go to work or some functions with him. He literally attended those function with a sandals once. And he still gain respects and smile wherever he goes from people of all races. I have learnt a lot from him. Even if you are rich or poor. Just be yourself. Be kind. Be humble. Be nice and the world will love you. Even if what you are wearing is a big fashion No No. If you can't achieve something, never blame the government. Never blame the government of being bias about other race. Because you are giving excuse to yourself and excuses are what pull you back.

True that I live in a simple family. Not really that rich. But judging by what I am today and what i learned, I am proud of who I am, where I come from. I came to accept that I am who I am and am really proud of myself even though I did screw up a lot. And daddy if you happen to come across this, even though I don't see you often but I love you and you thought me a lot by how you live and how you pave your way around people. Thanks dad.

To Drink Or Not To Drink

"Vy Vyan, wanna go for a drink?" Well I don't drink. I do when I am around my parents when I have to but without them, I don't.

I know I might be really uncool now and might drop way down the pyramid of social life but I am fine because i hold on to what i believe.

I know friends who hang out and drink til they are drunk and the next morning, they will have a hangover so bad, they can barely move. I would ask why do you do that? The answer I always get is it is fun! You should try. Well, what i remember fun is all about laughing ad being happy without being stuck in bed the next day because your head hurts.

I don't call these people stupid. I pity them. The only reason why I think they revolve around drinking is because they are deteriorating deep inside or simply insecure. Its because they are so sad they need a glass of Terquila (is this how you spell it) to make them happy. Its because they clearly do not know what is the definition of fun.

People always ask me, why don't you drink? Why should I? I went to a club, sat there and just observe. What is actually so fun about it? Well, the music is too loud for me. The drinks are bitter. And the people are making a fool out of themselves. Girls with microscopic skirts. Going crazy. Close to being an animal. Is this what is called cool these days? Cause i will stick to this uncool side.

Well, I secretly do not know will i be drinking in the future. But for now i know my life is simply perfect to be downing those juice that burns your throat all the way down and makes things 'fun'. Because frankly what I think is fun is hanging out with my friends, all snuggled up in one bed playing Charades and Mafia. Partying with marshmallow instead of liquor, shoving as many marshmallow into your mouth to see who wins. For now I like that.

What they think about birthday party in clubs? I am cool with that. If I am invited i might go depending on how close am I to this person but I will definitely not touch any drink unless it is alcohol free. I would prefer my birthday party to be full of marshmallow and all the people I love. I secretly do wish my grandparents would be here but they can come to my party in heaven I guess.

What i call fun is spending time with your family by keeping all Saturdays and Sunday nights unoccupied so i have the maximum time to spend with them. Spend more time with Angel and Bryan from the orphanage after college. Stay crazy with my friends and love without afraid of hurting. Giving without hoping that it will be returned. And just smile.

Cause sometimes helping others is the new fun and cool. SO do come for the run. The HELPing Hand Run.

These are the details.

Pictures from TRINITY and all these amazing SASArians involved!

Kai Xiang and David

David is an amazing boy who always help me out when i try parking my car. Its not like i need his help cause i am an excellent driver (Ps. If its not for him, my car will be scratched all over)

Jasmine and her favorite student John

The Monday crew!

Jamie and his love, Justin (You will be amazed by their connection. Justin and his little brother,Bryan will always insist on what happen to Jamie if he is not there)

For further information please check our Facebook page

http://www.facebook.com/events/405355206178588/415931998454242/?ref=notif&notif_t=plan_mall_activity

Please help. Just look at them aren't they addorable?!

The Power of Make Up

"Ew... She is such a fake! Look at her make up!"

Sounds familiar? Does it really matter? I am totally fine with it! I don't wear it all the time, i just wear it occasionally. Like for a party, or a formal ball. That remark comes sadly from most males.

Look, if the girls with layers of make up is called fake, than what are you? Hiding behind huge layers of wax, hitting the gym all times until you get so buff you can hardly touch your shoulders with your hands. They say, i want internal beauty! But you secretly still go after girls with all the assets. Big boobs, lean body, pretty face. I am not saying all guys do that but sadly most. That is why there are girls being grouped as The Big NO. And here you are complaining about how fake this girl in front of you is with the layers of make up.

This is what i see. My point of view. I frankly do get disgusted when i see girls wearing super thick make up. But constantly remind myself, its something she needs to hold on. Something to boost up their confidence. And with that i think, why not? Its a normal thing for a girl to want to look pretty. I mean i would wanna look pretty but I am just too lazy to put those on my face and frankly i have enough confidence in a life time. 

Its hard to accept at first but frankly i prefer girls putting a few layers of make up to feel better bout herself than girls taking drugs, smoking, cutting herself in order to feel better. Make up is an art. For people who thinks make up is a fake, sorry but you are being hypocritical.

So here we are, your favourite celebs!

1) Katy Perry

 2) Taylor Swift

3) Megan Fox 

There are still make up on but its tonnes lesser than the picture after.

So how are your inner beauty thing kicking in? I do not encourage make up as a must, but if it is the first baby step for the females to gain confidence then why not? 

But for girls out there who survive on make up, it is also true that it is best to not depend on them. Feel good about yourself. Try putting lesser and lesser make up on your face. Its hard but after a few times, you won't even find make up necessary for a date.

There will a be a HELPing Hand Run in Bukit Damansara on the 7th of October. Maybe, let you inner beauty kick in and encourage yourself to join the charity run to help?

You can check the facebook page, http://www.facebook.com/HELPingHandsRun
or the event page, http://www.facebook.com/events/405355206178588/

The Life as A Helper

People might think, serving the community is easy. Well it is simply NOT! Especially when you are working with kids and TEENAGERS! "Help only mah! I also no larh! Very big meh?!", that's what Malaysians say, but seriously, what do they do? NOTHING!

The hardest phase in the entire process is getting attached to the kids. Especially if they even make an origami for you. Its a good thing, for sure but when its time to leave, the process is horrible. I mean i personally hate goodbyes. Especially those goodbyes that make you feel like you might never see this one person again. We will leave them one day. Or they might leave us! When a kid told us they might leave forever, ya, you are suppose to be happy for them but deep down thousands of questions will run through our mind, "Will he be ok?", "Will this happen again"? But mostly what I will feel is missing them, hoping not to not to not see them again. Suck! You have to be happy for them. All you can do is hug them and say take care, but its hard to let go. It breaks your heart. THE ENTIRE NIGHT you will be thinking, how will he be with his parents again? We have to fake our smile and put our worries aside. Just be happy for them! But how? Boundaries. Limits.

Teenagers, sigh, teenagers. I had and still am going through the teen phase. But its SO hard to make them even to open up even the tiniest bit. You will try and try and when you think you are there, POOF! The doors are closed up. And you have to start ALLLLL over again. Have to sit and just go through the maze trying a different path. When they are sad, its impossible to go through the maze. Its like all dead end. Took me around 3 weeks to get her start talking to me again. (Talking in the sense as joke talk) But it is worth it when she decides to smile for you at last. Trying to advise her without letting her know you are but hoping that she will get it on her own. How does my mum do this again?!

So ya, as you know, we will be having a run, HELPing Hand Run!  So do join. Support them. Support those adorable sweethearts. They will need it.

 

You can call me, Vy Vyan. I am free at all times. My number is 017-6237823

or you can visit our Facebook page! http://www.facebook.com/HELPingHandsRun?ref=stream

http://www.facebook.com/events/405355206178588/

Definition of Love

Well, when you read this, i am pretty sure the first person you ever thought of is your crush or your partner. Well, sadly, but gladly, my definition of love is TOTALLY different.

Well, most of you will think, "Vy Vyan, SHUT UP! I love him SO much. You won't understand." Maybe you are right. But let me tell you when was the first time i fell so deeply in love, it was not on any guy. He was just a day old.

I fell in love in the hospital. The first time i laid eyes on him, i melted. When i hold him in my arms, everything felt right. This baby was like nothing i had ever felt. I was in love. With his rusty blond hair and literally brown hazel eyes. When he held my finger tight. This is what i call love.

Being in love is all about sacrifice. Love don't mean the other half. Love is when you can do ANYTHING for this one person. You can even die for them. The feeling when he first learn to talk was the best feeling ever. When he called me, i swear to you i was over the moon. When he fell down and BAM, I freaked out and started crying. When he took the first step. When he went to a nursery. When he would scream his lungs out when you are 1 minute late for ANYTHING! When he walks into your room and started hogging your bed. When he drag my snowy on the floor and ran all over the house. When he peed on snowy on accident. When he peed on ME on accident. When he kiss me. When he hug me. When his first bad word was SHIT (my bad) And most importantly when he will just look at you and say, "Aunt, I love you soooooooooo much! I will give you a present cause you are a good girl." Though i know i will NEVER get the present he is talking about but seriously, that is more than enough. He is the present.

Its amazing what love can do to you. I would always want to be a better person. Someone he would be proud of. Someone he can talk about in front of his best friend Guo Zhen. Someone he would sing about (yes, he make up songs depending on the situation). Someone who he is proud of. Someone who mean a world to him.

All i want to prove is this, you think you are in love but you might not. Love is something that also happen between your family. Love is an amazing strength. Makes you want to be a better person so do love right. If you had broken up and thought you fall out of love, you had never. You still do have your family, your friends. Even a complete stranger will fall in love with you. So don't give up on love. Its already there.

Him starting to turn into a huge monster thanks to all those pampering.

Him with his I am so angry pose i asked him to make (He is not angry, its all an act)

Man cookie, that's what he call them, the reason why he love me more because i make magic in the kitchen

See I told you it was all an act!

Black, that is what he called charcoal bread that i have to drive all the way uptown because he LOVE it.

He and his fishy he insisted me on taking,

Him being a big brother! He never mind sharing the love. (ok FINE! he does)

Looking around at fishy in Aquaria

His all time best friend. He will literally pounce on me if I ignore his demand for his Booster and Pacifier.

His definition of monster.

He can be a Nightmare sometimes. He once run into a firecracker and I have to stand in front of him because he refused to move. There goes my shirt. Or just yesterday when i he do not let me do my business and kept on asking me questions when i was busy in the toilet. Or when he pooped RIGHT in front of me in the dinning room and YES i have to pick it up. Or when he demand to go to toilet to poop when you are eating. Or when he insist you to look in the toilet bowl at his poop to tell him he did a good job at pooping! But love is hard. So..... I found love. Have you?