Just The 5 Year Old Me

I remembered all those things I had wished to become when I was 5.

1. Dance to the Swan Lake. Nor longer as the baby swan but the swan swan.
2. Get all A's for my UPSR, PMR and SPM.
3. Make my parents proud of me.
4. Finish my piano to satisfy my parents.
5. Still continue to hate peas.
6. Never get married / fall in love.
7. Be good at everything
8. Just be perfect.


Out of 8, I barely succeeded half of the list. I only succeeded two of them. The second and the fourth. You know when you are young you think you are special? Well, its not anymore. Pretty sucky huh?

I remembered when I was a kid, ballet was my everything. The only think I am actually good at. Remembered dancing to the Waltz in front of this amazingly huge stage with the others. Making sure i point my toes right. My postures. My smile. Chest and heads up. Fingers placed in the perfect position. Leap into the air. And then I am suppose to give up everything. Barely even have the chance to dance to the Dead Swan.

I remembered when I was unstoppable. I will do anything to get what I want. But seriously come to think of it, what do I seriously want? What do you want? What do we want? What do the whole world want from us?

So i took a step back from striving to be perfect because the only reason I could think of for trying so hard is to rub it on other people's face and because I was so insecure. And ask myself, what is life? What do I want with this life? I can't seem to answer those questions properly. But at least I improve by having this rough idea still covered with layers of haze.

I want to do good. Want to love myself more. Want to be loved. Just to feel special.

I came to an understanding that money, can't really give you everything. I still do need money. But I don't want to drive a Bentley, in fact I find Myvi pretty comfy. I don't want a guy that have trust funds that can feed the world. I just need a guy that loves me. I don't need to impress everyone, I just need to impress myself and look at Snowy to back me up. True, I had gone through so much shits that my best friend have no clues about. But all these hardships and scar had made me from the last person I had ever want to be to a better person.

Frankly, I am sometimes pretty depressed about life. But I will look back and think about that cheerful Vy Vyan in the ballet shoes and hair held back in the gel and I will take a deep breathe and tell myself, I got my back.

Will the 5 year old Vy Vyan be proud of me? Not really but I know she will be damn proud about what I am trying to achieve when most people in the world are still clueless about life, I have the faintest idea about what I want.

My Hero Without A Cape

You know how in movies you see a super huge, close to perfect muscular guy in a cape come save a normal citizen. That was a super hero to me. But as I grow up into a teenager, going through long phase of depression, I went through a phase feeling deceived about the fact that there are no heroes in the world. All a fiction. But I am glad I found out there is a hero all along beside me. In disguise of an over protective dad with a big tummy and .... let's just say, not the hero you see in the movie.

You see, like most of you, my dad and I used to rarely get along when I hit the teenage phase. We quarrel all the time, and every family dinner became an epic failure with screaming and tears. Don't get me wrong, he never lay a finger on me but things back then was just bad. Because I was an immature kid. My dad used to gun down every single guy who walked next to me. Even random strangers who just happen to walk beside me that I don't even know. Than he will check my phone and if he see a random text message pop out with a guy's name he will ground me and I would hate him for that. When i get late night calls and he will almost constantly eavesdrop. And he would constantly lecture me for sitting in front of the television and even check my history when i go on the net. But mind you, he never raised his voice, maybe once in a while. But trust me, the guys are terrified of him because my dad is THAT scary. I used to hate him for that. Rarely talk to him. Hate it when he tells me I am wrong cause I am not used to him telling me I am wrong. He will usually be the guy behind me who encourage me to skip tuitions and skip studying session with my mum to go out with him when I was a kid. He used to hate it when I was forced to study cause he thinks I need better childhood then that. 

But soon I grow up to understand that, those crazy shits my dad do? He is just trying to protect me. Maybe in a wrong way, but to him I am his baby girl. He would hug me and say, no matter how old are you, you will always be my baby girl. He hate to see me grow up, and to him I seem to be growing up too fast. So now, I took a step back and understand his situation, and now he is less crazy and surprisingly trusting me with my own decisions. He is just a father afraid that I will screw up. 

You know when shit happens, you get to see clearly about things happening around you. Tonnes of shit happens, and let's just say, my mum will be panicking, and my dad will be calm and help me out. Was once down with a high fever during the H1N1 period. Apparently, I caught it and HUKM did not take me in cause I am not dying enough, he drove me all the way to another hospital, got me in. I was impressed. Or the time I caught a high fever a day before SPM, he drove me all the way to Pudu cause all the clinics are close. He just need assurance that I will stay with him and still hug him and kiss him. Or hold his hand in public. That I am still his baby girl.

And you know what, I will find a guy with the same quality as he is (except the 'I Told You So' part and smoking). But I love him. And with that he is my personal hero without a cape. :)